Happy Chicken Swing Set

Really? Really!

2008-11-08T19:12:00.002-07:00

In the last 24 hours, I've seen 4 films on my 501 list. I watched "Ride in the Whirlwind," "The Tall T," The Last of the Mohicans," and "12 Angry Men." 3 Westerns and a Drama!

The Tall T was without a doubt, so full of homo subtext - it was so evident. It was crazy! "Maybe I'll just take you from behind," or "He's the best ramrod I've ever had." Rich, I tell you people. Plus, the whole single yet never-met-the-right-woman tableau.

"Ride in the Whirlwind" was odd, it was my first Western film on this journey. I began watching it with a very blase attitude, you know, because I had to watch it. But, it's a charming film. People caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think it's telling about what we'll do to save ourselves and our personal humanity. We're not criminals, but sometimes we're forced to act like ones.

I loved the thoughtfulness of "12 Angry Men." Our prejudices and pre-concieved thoughts color everything we do. This was Sidney Lumet's first film. A few years ago I saw "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead." It was wonderful to see that his filmmaking remained as brilliant and captivating as "12 Angry Men."

"Mohicans," I remain . . . blah

The New Manifestation of my Nascent OCD

2008-11-07T18:23:00.004-07:00

So, it's now President-elect Obama. How great is that? I hope Michelle starts wearing better things than that weird red/black Narciso Rodriguez dress. I applaud her thrifty H&M dress and other frugal outfits, but, um, Stacy and Clinton could read her some rules about dressing her body type.

I was at Costco last weekend. Not that I support really bad labor conditions, but that shit is just so cheap. Anyway, I make my way past the book table . . . and I spy, "The 501 Movies You Must See." As any obsessive-complusive person would do, I picked that shit up and took it to task. I got home and then typed the entire list into a word document and began crossing them off. The movies are divided into 10 categories, each with 50 movies from the dawn of time until about 2002.

I scored a 154 out of the 501. I was horrified that I never saw things like "Goodfellas," "Fame," or "Braveheart."

My best categories were Horror and Drama. I had two for War - if M*A*S*H and Good Morning, Vietnam count as war pics, apparently they do. A big doughnut for Westerns. Zero for 51. I gotta get on that.

This weekend's goal is to see two Westerns on the list and maybe a War one. There must be a reason that I haven't seen these. Help me Carrie Fisher, you're my only hope . . .

Political Motivation

2008-11-03T17:26:00.002-07:00

No, I'm not running for office, nor should I. Seriously, ask my college friends. Plus, I don't want to shake hands with a bunch of people. Gross. I did, however, promise my dear friend in CO (need clever moniker) that if Obama wins, I'll restart my blog in a limited fashion.

It's a difficult choice. Hope the U.S. continues down its path of continued failed policies just so I don't get too angsty about what frivolity I'm going to write about. All told, it seems a small price to pay. Anyway, there is always some immaterial thing that grabs my attention and holds it.

In the last what seemed like 124-months of campaign nonsense, I did learn one thing: I love Rachel Maddow!!

Let's hope for an Obama win. Jesus, what am I going to write about . . . I'm already angsty!

N.B. I do have a special nickname for my "dear friend in CO" and she has the same for me but it might offend the developmentally challenged: retard. Hey Retard, I hope Colorado goes blue!

Spellcheck Makes You Look Stupid

2006-08-07T11:22:00.000-06:00

I drafted this email to opposing counsel (two different attorneys) and while spellchecking the email, I see that the first two letters of the word are capitalized. I quickly click change and send out the email.

This is what the re: of the email now read "Case Name - Joint Preheating Statement." I feel like an idiot ... damned spellcheck.

Minnesota Meerkat Madness

2006-08-04T10:40:00.000-06:00

If you haven't been watching The Animal Planet's show Meerkat Manor, you really should consider catching a few episodes. It chronicles the Whiskers family, a meerkat colony in Africa, and their relationships and familial structure. It's great to know that meerkats have the capacity to have dysfunctional families too - it's kind of like Knots Landing but with less shoulder pads. Plus, meerkats are adorable in that mongoose sort of way - unlike ferrets which are disgusting revolting vile creatures. (One time, during a fire drill in college during a rain storm, this nasty hippie dippie woman crawled into Zoopie's mighty Dodge Omni with her wet ferret - the whole car smelled like ferret and patchouli (which masked the cow manure smells usually found in Zoopie's car) - Gross! Anyway, you must love the meerkat.

Here's what has made me mad today. Some inattentive asshole parents and their ill-behaved demon spawn went to the Minnesota Zoo. Mind you, inattentive asshole parents and demon spawn are quite common at the Zoo so there is nothing new there. A 9 year old girl (yes, she was 9 years old!) decides to crawl up on a three foot rock formation, reach over a four foot glass wall, and pet the adorable meerkat. What I find appalling is that the parents either weren't paying attention (bad parents) or allowed her to do this (even worse parents). Guess what, a meerkat bit the little girl.

The inattentive asshole parents freak. The meerkats had been vaccinated for rabies and are unlikely carriers of the disease. What to do? The parents, who are responsible for the whole thing, didn't want their daughter to have to undergo a series of rabies shots. Instead, the Zoo had the entire family of 5 meerkats destroyed to test for rabies. Guess what? They didn't have rabies.

Sorry, if you're stupid enough to stick your hand in an animal's cage, you pay the consequences. If that means getting six shots (one in the wound and five on your thigh), then you get the shots. Hey little girl, boo fucking hoo, I hope the bite fucking hurts and leaves a giant scar and that you can never watch The Lion King without reliving the trauma and shitting your pants.

An Apology ... Sort of

2006-08-04T10:33:00.000-06:00

I have been a bad blogger. I apologize. The past two months, life became rather hectic and I became distracted from blogging. It's not to say that many things didn't pop into my tiny little mind that I thought would have been good fodder for the blog (blog + fodder = blodder?), it's just I was feeling really lazy. Then, the passage of time compounded the problem. It's the phenomenon where too much time goes by to take some action and now it's just too uncomfortable because merely taking action acknowledges how much time goes by. Anyway, I'm over that and I solemnly vow to be better about boring friends and strangers with the mundane details of my life and my sporadic rambling thoughts.

Mea culpa.

Disaster Porn

2006-05-22T09:31:00.000-06:00

This is genre populated by poorly written, poorly edited, and usually poorly acted made for television movies depicting massive natural disasters. It is highly addictive and usually must be kept secret from friends and family. I, sadly, must confess my love for the Disaster Porn genre.

Who doesn't love such offerings as "10.5"? Come one, Kim Delany as a misunderstood intellectual earthquake expert? Who couldn't love that? "Category 7" anyone? Want to watch Gina Gershon head up FEMA and battle massive tornadoes? She does so, but only with the help of weather experts Shannen Doherty, Tom Skerrit, and Randy Quaid. Or "Atomic Twister," which is one of my all time favorites. Sharon Lawrence plays the head of a nuclear reactor that is besieged by a series of deadly tornados. Olympian Carl Lewis has a cameo as a security guard at the facility who meets, quite possibly, the most improbable end of any disaster movie character. You see, Carl Lewis is sitting in his guard shack chatting with his wife over what to have for dinner. He sets out of the shack and continues on with his mundane conversation. His wife mentions something about a tornado sighting, and we see one and only one piece of paper go flying by. Carl turns and surprise, the tornado is right there behind him and he gets sucked up. Um ... aren't tornados really really noisy and aren't thousands of pounds of debris kicking around in there? Apparently in Tennessee, the tornados are super stealthy, like ninjas. Or Lucy Lawless as a USDA insect expert battling with bioengineered locusts in the eponymously named "Locusts."

The Weather Channel is airing a series called "It Could Happen Tomorrow" and it examines all of these disaster scenarios. It's a little too real for my tastes but excellent nonetheless. A great resource for disaster movies is Disaster Online.

Come on, you know you watched Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America ...

Reading Beats Interacting with People

2006-05-21T15:37:00.000-06:00

I've always been a prodigious reader but lately I've either been reading voraciously or not at all. I bet I hadn't picked up a book since Christmas when all of a sudden I went on a buying binge and found myself with a mantle full of books to read. Here's what I've read in the past few weeks.

Sarah Vowell - Assassination Vacation. Great book especially because she takes a rather macabre subject and injects her brand of wry commentary. If you've ever had to pull off the highway to take a picture of the world's largest frying pan then this book is for you.

Alexandra Robbins - Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities. This is the book that perfectly crosses a sociological study of young women's behavior with the salaciousness of US Weekly. It was a bit too long though. It made me wonder if this is what sororities were like at Cornell.

Christopher Moore - A Dirty Job: A Novel. Crazy and wacky. Everytime I read one of his books I think ... hmmm ... crazy and fanciful. The two traits that make me both love and hate Christopher Moore books.

Sebastian Junger - A Death in Belmont. Ostensibly about the Boston Strangler, it's more of a commentary on race relations. For a while I went through a phase where I read a lot about serial killers. It made my mom worried ...

Steve Almond - The Evil B.B. Chow and other stories. This book is why people don't like short stories. I swear, if I ever meet Steve Almond, I will punch him right in the face (a la Annie Proulx (and I swear Greeth, I didn't take your Shipping News (why would I want it?))).

I'm now reading Sarah Waters' "Fingersmith" but only because the billing guy at our firm recommended it. I generally dislike English/Victorian novels but I though I would give this one a try.

Next up, is David Maraniss's "Clemente" about Roberto Clemente who was much more than a baseball player but more of an America hero. I'm very excited to read this, much the same way I was about Jane Levy's "Sandy Koufax" A Lefty's Legacy."

What can I say? I'm a gay man who loves baseball. Is that so wrong?

The Lazy Blogger

2006-05-21T15:20:00.000-06:00

I've been lazy ... kind of ... well, I've actually been really busy with work and have been reading a great deal lately AND just got back from New York and Vegas. Let's focus on Vegas for a moment. Here's what I remember most about Vegas and it taught me my latest mantra, "Hey old lady, if you love your cheap perfume so much, after you bath in it, stay in your room to enjoy it and stay the fuck out of the elevator." By the time the elevator got to the lobby, I was almost in tears and not because of the 45 year old woman with white people dreadlocks in a tube top.

Age inappropriate clothing seemed to be the rule of thumb in Vegas. I did, however, enjoy watching the older woman work her side ponytail. I kept thinking of Tina from "Napoleon Dynamite." As I walked by her I whispered, "Tina, come get some ham. Gosh!"

I gambled too much, or should I say I lost too much money, and was dismayed to find that Vegas made me tired. Just two years ago I rocked Vegas for four days on like 8 hours of sleep with my Cornell friends. Of course with those kids, it's always an attempt to relive the "we're so crazy" days of college. I hate this getting older thing. It's cramping my "style."

I think my moral compass is askew

2006-04-30T18:12:00.000-06:00

I saw the movie "Hard Candy" today. It was a combination of "Extremities," and "Death and the Maiden." Without giving too much away, I couldn't figure out which character I wanted to win ... the pedophile or the sociopathic teenager? I mean, who wants the pedophile who lures a 14 year old girl over to his house to win? On the other hand, who wants a murderous 14 year old who tortures someone and perform a castration to win?

In the end, you hate everyone (much like the book "The Corrections (an abject piece of crap, in my opinion)), except Sandra Oh. "Did it rain?"

Not so Bad

2006-04-29T14:19:00.000-06:00

As I was bemoaning my life the other day with such internal bon mots as "My job is hard" and "I work too much" and "My elbow hurts from playing golf" I was struck by just how fabulous my life actually is.

First, I have a job I love and it lets me go play golf in the afternoon if I want to (the benefits of being a partner in a law firm). Second, I have an amazing boyfriend who still finds me charming and quirky (which I am) instead of crazy and certifiable (which I am also). Third, I have the most amazing friends, both locally and globally.

Sure, there are bad theater goers and bad drivers. But, can that surpass having a great dinner with SeedySaxon in NYC, or seeing a dear friend on her birthday, or just spending a day watching Arrested Development in bed with the BF, or having a living room full of great friends?

I got it good. Just remind me of that on Monday ...

I Almost Forgot ...

2006-04-27T16:58:00.000-06:00

... that was until I was gently reminded (by a very pointed email). In addition to all the shows I attended in NYC, I also was able to head north to Pelham to celebrate my dear friend Rhette the Vet's birthday along with her husband The Ferd. RtV turned 37 and I've known here for about 20 years. Jesus wept!

We met during freshman year at college and we immediately hated each other. Somehow, we've grown to love each other yet still maintain that love you/hate you vibe. Sure, she almost let me drown in a bathtub once. I can forgive that. I may or may not have also convinced her it was a good idea to lay in the street and pretend to be dead. Six of one ...

Sure, I'll hit the 4-0 before her but her husband The Ferd (who owns the original Night Stalker on VCR (kuddos!)) will hit it before all of us (except Bunny! (when do I stop evoking college hijinks to call a woman with two children approaching 40 Bunny!))

Who knows?

I hope you had a beautiful birthday, Rhette the Vet.

Ask me about toe floss ...

I Probably Shouldn't Have Said That ...

2006-04-23T17:15:00.000-06:00

I'm driving through lovely Minneapolis on a gorgeous day today and, of course, was thoroughly annoyed with just about everyone else on the road, whether on foot, bike, or car. As I swore voraciously at the stupid woman ahead of me who decided to pull into the intersection and then, and only then, decided to turn on her left signal, I remembered one of my not so brilliant, or possibly deviously brilliant, driving tirades.

Last year, I'm driving, with windows down, through this little neighborhood full of chic shops and women who went to Vassar for Art History but Married Well and love Volvos and BMWs. They have this crosswalk to which drivers are supposed to yield to pedestrians. Since there was no one who looked like they were about to cross, I drove through, albeit at about 5 miles an hour. This little 6 year old Rhoda from The Bad Seed yells snottily as I drive through, "You're supposed to stop for walkers."

This prompts the gut reaction out the window of "Fuck you, little girl." A year later, I'm still not sure if this is something I should tell as a funny story or be very very ashamed of.

People I Want to Punch in the Face

2006-04-17T10:25:00.000-06:00

I just got back from five or so days in New York City and went to a total of six shows. They ranged from really funny (Spamalot), to uncomfortably bad (Tarzan), to decent (The Color Purple). One thing I noticed is that, without fail, there was always someone sitting near or behind me that deserved to be punched in the face - generally, they are classified as talkers, eaters, latecomers, seat kickers, and general idiots.

At The Color Purple, there were the three girls who came into the performance one hour and twenty minutes late. I mean, if you're going to be that late, you might as well not even go - run down to Times Square, grab a bite to eat at the Olive Garden and then hop the PATH train back to New Jersey. If I owned a theater, I would institute a strict policy that all people who arrive more than ten minutes late you be denied entry until intermission. Although I must admit the three latecomers did distract me momentarily from the woman behind me who seemed to be wrestling open a giant bag of Combos or something. Jesus lady, eat before the performance. I turned around and looked at her and let's just say that she could have waited until intermission. The performances were great although the material left a little to be desired.

Next was Spamalot and it was wonderful and funny. Fortunately, nothing sticks out in mind as being too obnoxious although listening to a group of sixteen year olds quote Monty Python while entering the theater wasn't too fun. I should give them slack as I think I might have probably done the same.

I then saw Ring of Fire which is a revue of Johnny Cash songs. The music was, of course, great and the performances were top notch but the staging of the numbers came of as a live Branson version of a Hee-Haw skit. It was very much, "Hey! Let's act out A Boy Named Sue." There was a woman behind me who insisted reading the Playbill to her boyfriend, as if he couldn't read it himself. Before the show I turned around and looked at her and she had that Soviet Internet Bride look although there wasn't any discernible accent. Anyway, about twenty minutes into the show, she gets up, pushes her way through to the aisle and disappears. She reappears right before the end of the first act and repushes her way back to her seat. At intermission I overhear her reading the musical numbers list trying to figure out what she all missed. As you know, Johnny Cash had a song called "Daddy Sang Bass" which, as we all know, is pronounced as "base." Sad Soviet behind me insisted, three times no less to read "Daddy Sang Bass" but pronounced it as the fish, not the vocal part. I found this incredibly funny and started laughing out loud. People in the aisle looked at me funny as I there was no one near me. This just made me laugh even harder until I was so far caught up in the giggle loop that I couldn't escape.

I saw Tarzan and it did not go well. First, the show was horrible. Second, the songs were not memorable. Third, most of the cast were dressed as apes and swung around on bungy cords and stuff. Four, the staging was really awful. Hell, I could have come up with a better concept than that. I'm still trying to figure out how Jane ended up taking her clothes off before getting caught in a giant spider's web. Oh, and I started laughing when the spider made it appearance. It looked like one of the aliens that always appears in the Simpsons' Halloween episodes. Five, kids, kids, kids. Six, talking kids with adults who didn't explain to their children about theater etiquette and the difference between watching a DVD and being in a show. I was forced to turn around and in a normal speaking voice publicly shame the woman and her two kids. It was fun!

Lestat was okay but I don't anticipate it having a long run. Of course, who would have thought Mamma Mia would have been a success. I had the privilege of sitting in front of someone who kicked the back of my seat about fifty times. This prompted me to mention during intermission that I would prefer he stopped.

Sweeney Todd was great although the person next to me was a mouth breather and smelled weird. Then, there was the man behind me who pretended to know much more about the show than he did. I think it was an effort to impress his date. It was apparent, at least to me a Sondheim aficionado, that this man was an idiot and deserved to be punched.

Basically, I love to go to the theater but hate everyone that sits around me. I wonder if that's a character flaw?

Can't I Just Buy the CD?

2006-04-09T00:19:00.000-06:00

I was in Borders today to buy the new Morrissey CD. As I approached the counter I was asked:

1) Did you find everything alright? Yes.

2) Would you like to sign up for our on-line newsletter? No.

3) Would you like to join our Readers reward Club? No.

4) It's free. No.

5) Can I get your home phone number? No.

What the hell? Is this 20 questions? What happened to plopping down your merchandise before a sullen disaffected employee who would ring it up and let you leave in peace? Yes, I would love to save 15% on today's purchase but no, I do not want your 30% interest store credit card. Jesus, if you want to steal my identity, just dig throught my garbage like other identity thieves. Maybe I should just hand over a urine sample at the beginning of each transaction and tell them that all the answers to their questions are in there.

Oops, what I meant to say ...

2006-04-08T01:07:00.000-06:00

So, I'm in ABQ and the Greeth, Dr. A., went out to have about 7 martinis each and then decided to go home and play Scattergories. While playing and trying to justify our drunken answer to such simple directives as "girl's name" "letter E" the Greeth pops up with the name Eunice Kim. I though his answer was cute and meant to be preventative just in case someone else chose Eunice as a name but without a middle name. I settled on Ella but that didn't come with a great back story. 5 commented on why he would include a middle name and the Greeth remarked that Eunice Kim was indeed, her whole name. He then launched into a drunken explanation of who Eunice Kim was and her role in his high school awkwardness. Within his explanation, we collectively ran off into the tangential sunset. Basically, Eunice Kim taught us that sometimes, we all say, inadvertently, the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Case Study One: The Greeth is in homeroom in his Concorde Massachusetts high school and trying to talk to this girl, Eunice Kim, who happens to be Filipina. A friend interrupts and the Greeth stammers about his friend and means to tell Eunice Kim that his friend is both a geek and a goof. Sadly, the Greeth tells Eunice Kim that his friend is a "gook." I'm sure that went over really well.

Case Study Two: My friend Don Reilly once accidentally said that his bookmark was a birthmark but only in front of a girl with a big strawberry birthmark on her face.

Case Study Three: Dr. A reports that in a high school biology reading, someone continually read aloud "orgasm" instead of "organism."

Does that mean that if I think "Thank You" but it comes out "Fuck You" I can be forgiven?

Welcome back to the 80s

2006-04-08T00:47:00.000-06:00

I headed out on Tuesday night to Albuquerque to attend a CLE. I had lived there for a few years in the late 90s and was excited to get back and see all of my old friends. I met up with some on Wednesday and went for lunch. On our way to lunch, I saw a woman wearing a yellow double breasted jacket with shoulder pads that would have made the costume designers on Dynasty feel inferior. But wait, it's 2006, right? Not in New Mexico. Here, women still use curling irons so that they have ringlet framed faces. Late 80s clawed bangs, whether forward or back, are still in vogue. Hot rollers? Still sold at the Walgreens.

Last night I saw a woman at a bar wearing denim shorts, black hose, tan shoes, and some sort of strappy top without a back. I'm sure she thought she was very fashionable. No wonder I felt out of place wearing my pink toile western cut shirt that I bought in Buenos Aires. With a pair of leather pink Airbornes (also bought in BA). Suddenly, I'm the odd one?

As the old saying goes, "Welcome to New Mexico, please set your watches back 20 years."

Happy Birthday!

2006-04-03T17:23:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to Don, the man who came up with the name Happy Chicken Swing Set. I heart thee. As you can read from the posting about the birth of HCSS, the name was born over weird South American pizza.

Please Stay off the Road ...

2006-04-03T16:55:00.000-06:00

I'm happily driving to work this glorious Monday morning, pretending: A) it's not Monday morning; B) I'm not all screwed up because of the time change; and C) I love to go to work, when I notice this woman wearing headphones while driving. Now this isn't the first time I've seen this but this time they weren't the little ear buds/ear plug kind. These were the full on Princess Leia Organa sort that cover the entire ear and probably came with that curly cord with a giant plug. How can you drive with those on your head? I know this is illegal (headphones generally) because I once got a ticket in PA for doing the same (at which time my Mom found out that I had my license suspended for 3 speeding tickets in 6 months (I was 18!)). I've actually had a few tickets in PA even though I never lived there - but no speeding tickets.

Then I pull up to a red light in the inner most lane (but not a dedicated left turn only lane) and the car in front of me, when the light changes, pulls into the intersection and then, and only then, puts on her signal to turn left. Now I'm stuck behind her with a parade of cars zooming by in the outer lane and I am stuck. This is not the first time this has happened either.

Then, a car pulls out right in front of me and proceeds to go 10 miles under the posted limit. On this particular road, that means he's going 15 mph. Doesn't matter that there was nothing coming behind me or the car couldn't have waited.

Oh, and I'll share the road with you my bicyclist friend when you begin to obey all the trafic laws. It's no wonder motorists hate bicyclists. I rarely tend to use my car horn but sometimes some idiot's behavior is so egregious that I'm forced to use. Sadly, I have one of those new fangled car horns that is built in so you kind of have to hit a region of the steering column and hope for the best. I have about a 50% rating on successfully hitting it. Instead, often I end up angry and frustrated, furiously hitting my steering wheel to no end ... except maybe a sore hand.

I only have a 20 minute commute, mostly on sidestreets so there is very little variance. But, in that 20 minutes, about 7 cars and drivers piss me off to no end so that by the time I get to work, I'm in a foul mood. Even though I generally tend to skew to the "you're an asshole" personality (or nascent sociopath as one on-line personality quiz suggested), I try to be a good driver. Won't someone else try the same?

Grey Gardens Overfloweth

2006-03-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, my friend Juggsy told me that I needed to watch the documentary "Grey Gardens" as it was all about these two crazy relatives of Jackie O living in a dilapidated old mansion and it was hilarious. Grey Gardens, the documentary, centers on Edith Bouvier Beale and Edie Beale - the deliciously eccentric aunt and cousin of Jackie O. Once famous socialites in the Hamptons, the Beales have deteriorated into East Hampton's most notorious recluses, living in their 28-room dilapidated mansion.

Crazy and eccentric doesn't even begin to describe these two ladies. First, little Edie, for a reason never explained, constantly wears a variety of shirts, scarves, towels, and skirts on her head. At no point in the movie is little Edie's head uncovered. There are fabulous song and dance numbers, gorgeous fashions akin to costuming, and some of the best dialogue imaginable. Here is the Grey Gardens fan site.

Entertainment Weekly named it one of the top cult favorites and had this to say: "Proof positive that when an aristocratic American family gets big enough, some relatives will wind up shut-ins at an overgrown, feline-infested East Hampton mansion belting out shrill show tunes and feeding wild raccoons whole bags of Wonder bread in the attic. This bizarre, sad and touching portrait of elderly Edith Bouvier Beale (Jackie Kennedy's aunt) and her middle-aged ex-model daughter "Little" Edie, instantly became one of the most talked-about documentaries of all time."

Here's a site devoted to little Edie. Here are some of the fantastic quotes from the movie. I wish I could find a link to little Edie's big dance number. Sometimes even though the internet seems to offer you everything you've ever wanted, it denies you think you seek most.

The biggest push at reviving interest in Grey Gardens is two-fold.

First, it is now an off-Broadway musical. Here is a brief interview piece on the show. Originally, Grey Gardens was slated to close the day before I got to NYC for a spot of vacation. So, I was forced to buy tickets to other productions which promised to be neither as interesting nor intriguing. After filling up my vacation with shows, Grey Gardens announces that the run has been extended. I'm seriously thinking of forfeiting a ticket in order to see this.

Second, Grey Gardens is slated to be made into a fictionalized movie starring Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. I think the casting is horrible and they are both too young for the roles. Little Edie, despite her moniker, is in her fifties and big Edie is in her seventies. There is no way that Jessica Lange can pull off seventy, especially with all of that hatchety face work she's been having lately.

If you haven't seen Grey Gardens, you must see it now. By next year it will have been a documentary, a musical, and a motion picture. Personally, I can't wait for the video game.

A Wedding I'd Love to Go To

2006-03-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently this summer, my Not Lazy Assistant is standing in as the maid of honor in her brother's wedding. She's spent about thirty minutes so far this morning telling all the crazy details of the events leading up to the wedding. We laughed so hard I thought I was going to go into convulsions. All I can say is that I hope she's kidding - can these people and their planned nuptials be for real? After NLA got done talking about this, I was convinced she was making it all up. It sounds like the wedding that would have been planned by Roger and Virginia in Like Normal People. God, I loved that movie. Hearing Virginia proclaim, "I Love you WahJah!" always brought a smile to my face.

NLA gave me a few seminal background facts about the Bride and Groom which I think put everything in context. First, one of B and G's favorite meals is Velveeta Shells n' Cheese. In fact, they eat it several times a week. As far as decorating goes, B plans to paint the entire house, inside and out, in various shades of purple and pink. On the romance department, when G would mow the family lawn, he would push the mower with one hand while holding B's hand with the other. B would then walk back and forth across the lawn with G and read a book at the same time. I can't really picture how completely idiotic that sounds.

NLA is not the original choice as maid of honor though. She's merely a stand-in as it appears the original maid of honor (OMH) stopped talking to B after B refused to order OMH a size 8 dress for her size 14 frame. B has offered to pay for NLA's dress though, as B plans to make it part of her wardrobe after the wedding. As you may have guessed, B loves the color purple, so the purple bridesmaid's dress will be a welcome addition. The dress is not only purple, but it is printed with white polka dots. Once she gets the dress, I promise to post a picture.

B's idea for a bachelorette party consists of going to a baseball game and then getting a hotel room so that they can go swimming in the hotel pool. That's about the gist of it. Doesn't that sounds like a fantastic way to spend your last few days of singlehood? It sounds more like a thirteen year old's birthday party to me. NLA suggested dinner so B decided on Grandma's, a glorified TGIFs. I'm not sure if Grandma's is in addition to the baseball game and swimming as that might be too much excitement for this group.

Then, there is the tie-dying component to the party. It seems that B wants all the bridesmaids to wear jeans and tie-dyed t-shirts to the rehearsal dinner. This sure is shaping up to be a classy event. I wonder if she's having the food dyed purple to match the theme?

There will be a final gathering in which the bridesmaids will help make guests' gifts for the table. B has settled on hand-painted matchbox cars for each guest. Is there a more perfect way to say thank you for sharing our day than with a child's toy? Apparently, the bridesmaids will paint the cars with B and G's names and date. How they plan to fit all of that on a matchbox Hot Wheels car is beyond me. Just imagine if they served Velveeta shells n' cheese at the reception. It's a distinct possibility.

Once I get some pictures, I'll be sure to post them. It promises to be a spectacular affair.

Nothing to Fear but Ventriloquist Dummies

2006-03-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Automatonophobia: the fear of ventriloquist dummies, animatronic creatures, and wax statues. First, animatronic creatures and wax statues invoke nary a rumbling of dread within me. In fact, a few years ago I happily went through Las Vegas's version of Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum at the Venetian and found it a pleasant experience. I'd say the closest I've ever come to being scared of wax statues was watching the remake of "House of Wax" but I think that fear rested squarely on the trashy shoulders of Paris Hilton. After seeing her act, everything seems just a little more frightening.

I'm not afraid of clowns (unless it's John Wayne Gacy), puppets (I love the Muppets, Lambchop, Franklin, and Avenue Q) or dolls (unless it's a maniacal Raggedy Anne). The thing that strikes terror in my heart is Ventriloquist Dummies. I guess I'm only a quasi-Automatonophobe. God, can't I ever commit to anything 100%?

V.D.'s always seem so independent and they have such alarming verbal freedom. They just appear so damned independent. They are often portrayed as violent, racist, vengeful, and angry creatures, which they are. It's hard to describe exactly how creepy it is when the V.D. swivels its head around to look at you or its little hinged jaw flaps up and down.

I can sit through Chainsaws, Saws, Amityvilles, and Elm Streets easily. Put "Magic" or "Knock on Wood" on the television and I'm hiding behind a pillow hoping I don't pee my pants. Even such innocuous fare as "Cradle Will Rock" becomes a terrifying experience by the introduction of a V.D. "Sound of Music" is lovely except for the puppet show (I know they are puppets but they look like V.D.s on strings (and it's such a lovely song)). High on the hill screamed a lonely goatherd ...

One of the most terrifying moments in television history occurred on "Seinfeld." In the Kenny Rogers' Roasters episode, Jerry and Kramer have to switch apartments and Jerry is terrified of Kramer's V.D., named Mr. Marbles. At the end of the episode, Jerry hears a noise and sees a tiny shadow running through the halls. I dare Wes Craven to come up with anything scarier than that.

Even though I own all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and watch it with fanatical devotion, I have never watched the episode in season one which involves the V.D. Sorry SMG, I just can't do it. You're not even safe from commercials. Remember the Miller Lite commercial where the hitchhiker gets picked up by the trucker and the V.D. just screams "Eeeeeeeeeeee." That was the best 35 second horror movie I have ever seen. It gave me nightmares. It also made me stop hitchhiking. Or the Sprite commercial with the V.D. doing a show before an ENTIRE AUDIENCE of V.D.s. It gave me nightmares and I switched to Sierra Mist.

Just last night, I was watching something on television when some commercial came on and the BF Thimm Symmz said "Don't look." Apparently, there is a new V.D. commercial out there. Then, there was a promo for some show involving a carnival and a prophetic lady V.D. You rarely see lady V.D.s so it was even more terrifying than usual.

I hope writing this doesn't give me nightmares. I once had a nightmare where I fell into a room that was filled with V.D.s and as I struggled, their little wooden arms and legs flailed about until I slowly sunk to the bottom. I actually threw up after that dream.

Why can't I be afraid of flying like normal people?

Youth is Wasted on the Stupid

2006-03-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to just wake up one day and realize that you are old? Having reached my "late 30s" with 40 poking its head around the corner and glowering at me, I guess its really no wonder I've been thinking about this lately. But, as this past week went by, several things happened which made me think, "Wow, I'm getting old."

First, a co-worker asked if my 20th high school reunion was this year. It turns out that it was hers and since we're relatively the same age, she thought my reunion would be this year too. No, my 20th year high school reunion is next year. Has it been 20 years already? It seems like just yesterday I was arguing with Mr. White over the fact that a conjunction used to join two independent clauses requires a comma. Oh, to be 17 and debating grammar with adults again. It also reminded me that Linda Stone's baby, which she had in 1986, could quite possibly be in college now ... or *gasp* even have children of her own. Could it be possible that my high school friends could be grandparents? I think I'm going to throw up.

Next, I get an email from a college friend about our 15 year college reunion this year. Has it been 15 years already? It seems like just yesterday that I had to listen to Stickman make the argument that Tiffany was better than Debbie Gibson. Although this issue seemed relevant 19 years ago, oddly, this same debate continued unabated last summer at our friends' wedding. Stickman remains steadfast in his love for Tiffany although she hasn't done much for years. Can Tiffany boast about Broadway and Skating with Celebrities? I thought not. Wait, maybe that just supports his point.

Then, I remember to call my friend in New Mexico to wish her a happy 40th birthday. That one's pretty self-explanatory. As an aside, she shares my passion for tacky postcards, American Idol, the World Series, and demonstrates a fanatical devotion to all things Alpine Alpa: Ohio's Showplace of Cheese Making. Please, check it out.

Finally, earlier in the week a group of us were discussing out first concert. Mine, sadly, was Juice Newton. I can't really explain it now but I think it involved free tickets or something. It was the 80s, the Zeitgeist demanded Juice Newton concerts. Fast forward to last evening. I'm having a cocktail at a local watering hole and what should start playing but the video for "Playing with the Queen of Hearts." I mentioned this to the barely 21 year old boyfriend of a friend that I went to the Juice Newton concert (always a real conversation starter).

"Who?"

"Juice Newton, she's singing this song. You probably weren't even born yet," I joked.

"What year did you see her?"

"1984."

"What time of year?"

"Summer."

"No, I wasn't born yet."

That whole exchange was like a punch in the stomach. How could I be in a bar talking to someone who wasn't even born when I went to my first concert? I quickly finished my drink and called for another. It's probably not all that bad. W. Somerset Maugham summed it us best. "It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it." Now if only I could find my glasses ...

You Know It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

2006-03-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

So many Oscar related thoughts. I think first, I should tell everyone that I correctly chose 18 out of the 24 Oscar categories and totally dominated in the Oscar pool. Somehow, in my mind, that is the paramount event from last evening. It helps that I managed to see all the best picture nominees (save Munich) and all the acting performances. Thus, I've seen a lot of movies. I also realized why I've never sat through an adaptation of Pride & Prejudice before.

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Best Song): Sadly, Miss Dolly is now 0 for 2. I thought her Travelin' Thru was enchanting and given the overwrought theatrics of the other nominated songs, just plain simple and lovely. In hindsight, though, I think she should have had a giant gospel choir of transgendered folks behind her, swaying and clapping. In the Deep had its burning car and dazed zombies and It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp had its requisite pimps, afros, and hos, so why couldn't Dolly have some trans-folk? Oh, and by the way, Dolly, please stop with the crazy plastic surgery, you look absolutely freakish. We get it, you're tiny with huge melons. You look like what a puppet of yourself would have looked like had you been in Team America: World Police. Fuck yeah!

I also found it courageous and deeply spiritual that Three 6 Mafia won best song and finally had an opportunity to thank God. God is indeed powerful. Whenever I think of God, it almost always brings to mind "shit," "fuck," "niggaz," and "bitches" and then I immediately want to work those words into a song. Praise Jesus. On a Hustle & Flow related note, I thought is was great that Taraji Henson sang with Three 6 Mafia in her fabulous Marilyn Monroe dress. Taraji Henson was the humanity of that movie, her performance was wonderful.

Best Picture: I am thrilled that Crash won. I believe it was head and shoulders above Brokeback. Don't get me wrong, I loved Brokeback and thought Michelle Williams was stellar. Who knew that Jenn from the Creek had such acting chops? If you haven't seen Crash, please do. If you are remotely intelligent, you will also realize that although Brokeback is wonderful, Crash deserved the Oscar. Also compare Terrence Howard's performance from Crash with his turn in Hustle & Flow. That, my friends, is what acting is all about. Also lament the fact that Thandie Newton was overlooked by the Academy. Finally and amazingly, Sandra Bullock is wonderful in Crash. Any material that allows someone to utter the statement "Sandra Bullock is wonderful" must be great stuff indeed. I mean, even Keanu Reeves had the good sense to stay away from Speed 2.

Just so you know, I hate Annie Proulx. I hated The Shipping News both as a crappy book and then as a crappy adaptation of a crappy book. I'm glad they never showed her face during the telecast. I have no idea what she looks like, which for her, is a good thing. If I ever see her I would probably punch her in the face twice. Once for creating The Shipping News and then once again so that she could pass it on to Kevin Spacey for his horrible performance in The Shipping News (and K-Pax). So if you are reading this E. Annie, watch out. In fact, whenever I visit my friends the Greeth and Dr. A in Albuquerque, I always pull The Shipping News out of the bookcase and turn it spine in so that I don't have to look at it.

Best Actress: I know I gave Reese some guff earlier on. I do think she was wonderful in Walk the Line. The only problem with her singing though is that she sang much better than June Carter ever sang. Sadly, this win probably means that we'll never see Legally Blonde 3: the Heart of Blondeness, but then again, maybe not, Jamie Foxx did give us that Stealth movie. And, Marisa Tomei gave us ... wait, did she ever even work again?

Finally, please tell me that giant bows on the shoulder are not making a comeback. Charlize Theron, you should be ashamed of yourself. I understand that you shill for Dior and all but that dress was just cruel, to you, to me, to humanity. I think Dior must be mad at you or something. Naomi Watts, I'm glad you managed to pull your Givenchy dress-mess out of the paper shredder in time to present an award. Plus, that color completely washed you out. Your dress was even uglier than that band-aid colored dress Jennifer Connelly wore a few years back.

I'll leave you this question: what was Gary Busey doing at the Oscars?

Write or Wrong

2006-03-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have finally returned home today from what seemed like an over extended Midwest Litigation Tour. The glories of Green Bay, Wisconsin and Mount Pleasant, Michigan grow weary and thin in just about fifteen minutes. Just so you know, Mount Pleasant is neither mountainous nor pleasant.

Since I haven't posted in a while I can only imagine that someone somewhere is mocking my blog because I started it strong and seem to have abandoned it. I mean, I would do that to someone else ... Anyway, here's what I've been thinking about ...

On a whim, I bought my niece an iTunes gift card primarily because I was waiting on a long line at Target, I was in somewhat of a decent and caring mood, and a complete impulse shopper. How I made it all the way to the check-out line at Target and still remained in a good mood escapes me. I mean, come on people, strollers are not weapons. I get home and stuff the gift card in an envelope with a lovely note and stick it in the mail. Apparently, as I learned from my sister, my niece did get the gift card. Somehow, however, she never saw fit to actually acknowledge the gift. Not a quick call, a thank you note, or even an e-mail. Nothing.

What happened to the civility of the "Thank You" note? Now I understand that it was just a $15 gift card but some sort of gratitude would be nice. I have two personal instances where I never even received a thank you note from wedding gifts. Can you imagine? At my passive-aggressive best, on one occasion, I sent a note to the Bride which read, "I hope you and Groom are enjoying your Lennox barware. You did get it, right? If not, let me know." In the other instance, by the time arrived within which to have received a thank you note, the couple had already separated. This is actually okay on two levels: first, the couple was horribly mismatched; second, knowing this, I purposely went thrifty on the gift.

Why is it so hard for people to write a simple thank you note? Next time you receive a gift, take a few minutes and write a thank you note. The giver will be delighted and think that you're a thoughtful person. You probably aren't a thoughtful person but hey, it's all about perception.

A Shoddy Sort of Recap

2006-02-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

1) Do you think Reese is still surprised about her Academy Award nomination after winning yet another major award? Ok, it's just a BAFTA but that's something.

2) One more Evil Bitch story: A group, including Evil Bitch, went out to lunch, they all ordered, no drinks (or at least no real drinks) though, since this was a work lunch. When the bill came, they thought it prudent, easy, and expedient to just divide it amongst themselves. EB would have none of that, she told secretary A that she owed 90 cents more, and that co-worker B's sandwich was an extra dollar, and it devolved from there. Once the actual pennies were accounted for, EB decided that the waitress should have no tip because she was "snotty." When the rest chimed in about "not having a reservation" and the service being ok, EB again, would have none of that. She refused to contribute to any sort of tip. This only demonstrates that she is one of the cheapest people I know.

3) [deleted]

4) No word from MamaWeight for three days. This is not good.

It's a Blog Eat Blog World

2006-02-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

On my first ever blog posting, I lamented the fact that I was late to the blogging game and I jokingly added that probably everyone in the world had a blog. After exploring the blog universe for a few weeks, I firmly believe that this is true.

By using the "Next Blog" button, I've been able to see a variety of blogs. There are the truly funny: like The Company Bitch and Mom-101 that are interesting and well-written. I have been an avid reader of The Company Bitch for several weeks, ever since my friend Tom referenced it in his blog. Mom-101 was a recent find by my intrepid assistant. I was going to refer to her as Lazy Assistant but she has taken offense at that so I have to come up with something else.

There are those blogs helmed by bored housewives who use the stream of consciousness approach to writing. They usually include pointless recitations of conversations and events in excruciating detail like My Life As I Live It. If it wasn't all that exciting when it actually happened, chances are good that a written narrative of the event won't be either.

Crazy about Scrapbooking? Head on over to Just Me!

Jonesing for some bad art institute student poety, read The Forgotten Land.

There is one blog where these family members write letters to their dead mother. It's horribly creepy and sad at the same time. Out of respect, I'm not going to link to it. Just so we're clear, railing on bored housewives and obsessive scrapbookers is okay. Exploiting someone's grieving process isn't (although they are putting it out there, right? Does that make it fair game?)

There is Chief-Ten-Bear who loves bears more than they will ever know. She also makes these dysmorphic looking bear carvings and offers them for sale. All is not lost as sprinkled throughout the blog are fabulous little humor gifts. First, the space underneath the title has these changing quotations of conversations overheard including "This place looks so different when you're not drunk" and "Boy, you better be sharin' them Skittles with yo mama, otherwise you ain't never gonna taste the rainbow again." After Tiffany & Co presents, she proclaims alcohol to be a close second for a Valentine's Day present. Finally, the brightest ray of sunshine amidst this panda-monium is her photo caption that involves Bai Ling's mother. Absolutely brilliant!

One blog that I'm sure to keep checking out is an on-line food journal/weight loss blog. At Losing the Mama Weight, a new mother is going to lose the baby weight. How she intends to do that when her meals consist of things like popcorn chicken, broccoli cheese pasta, double cheeseburger with fries, three flautas, and the ever healthy Marshmallow Peeps is beyond me. This could be fun to watch.

Finally, there is a blog devoted to pictures of the Fupa at Fupa Hunter. I ashamedly admit that I did a blog search for camel toe. If someone can devote a webpage to the Fupa, there must be a similar one devoted to the Camel Toe. If there is, I couldn't find it. So if anyone has some free time, a computer and a digital camera, have I got a job for you.

I imagine there is someone out there making fun of my blog. Do I care though? Not at all.

I'm a Garda Belt Man

2006-02-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

That's my friend Scot on the left and Tom on the right. More on Tom later.

Don decided that we needed a boys' night out, so our group set about trying to find something exciting to do. Don hit upon the idea of attending a double header of the MN Rollergirls, Minnesota's women's roller derby league.

My only memories of roller derby were from the late 80s, watching a short-lived tv show called Rollergames. I can't remember much about it other than there were several co-ed teams and it combined roller derby with elements of professional wrestling.

We all met at my house: Josh, Don, Brad, Sean, Steve, Vincent, and me. We caravaned to St. Cloud, MN. Never having been to St. Cloud, my sense is that a "nice" dinner there probably constitutes either Red Lobster or the Olive Garden. We find "Skatin' Place," the venue for tonight's event. I believe that this is play on Grace Metalious's "Peyton Place." This being St. Cloud, I can't be certain. Can't you just imagine a juicy soap opera based on the lives and times of rollerskaters and rink concession workers. Speaking of concessions, the snack bar had heatlamped hotdogs, heatlamped pizza, chicken nuggets with chedder cheese sauce, and something called a Slush-a-roo, which I believe was a drink. The walls of the rink had an illustrated story about a rollerskating kangaroo named Roo. I fail to see the relevance of kangaroos to rollerskating, let alone icey beverages.

The first match featured The Atomic Bombshells v. The Rockits. The Rockits skated away with it in a very lop-sided match. TAB's Buffy the Vampire Skater spent more time sprawled out on her back than actual time racking up jammer points. TR featured the powerhouse Jawbreaker who probably scored about 50 points or so. I can totally see why Jawbreaker was voted most valuable rollergirl and crowd favorite. Fabulous names involved in this match included: Kitty Whompass, Pain Gretzky, Sayonara Pussy, and Cleosplatra.

The second match features The Dagger Dolls v. The Garda Belts. This was a close match although the minute the Garda Belts began to skate, I knew I had found the team for me. Most of the time, their Pivot was Cupcake, a sweet name for such a nasty woman. She trash talked, threw a mean block, and by the second half had been expelled from the game. She joined Flogging Molly on the sidelines, as FM had been kicked out in the first half. I sort of know Dee Dee Monic, in a six degrees sort of way and she was a great pivot and blocker. She did recognize me at the snack bar though so everything's cool in skateland. SINderella and Pattywack brought the game home as point scoring jammers extraordinaire. As an aside, shouldn't Pattywack have an "h" in there? I don't want to argue since I've seen her throw elbows ... and, well, I bruise easily. Fabulous names involved in this match include: Honeydew Felon, Marilyn Monrogue, Roxanne Rolls, and Ji Spot.

Unlike the other teams, the Garda Belts have a mascot of sorts. It's a tiny little man named Tom, if you can believe the chant, "Tom, Tom, the Leprechaun" as he ran around the rink waving his shillelah. It is believed that Tom has three daughters on the Garda Belts: Flogging Molly, Head Trauma, and Rolls Wilder. Roller Derby is a family affair.

I can't wait until March 24 when I get to see them all again in St. Paul. I'm going to get an emerald green jersey and on the back will be my self-designated skating name: Betty Rumble.

Folks, if you have roller derby near you, please check it out. It's a whole lot of fun.

It's All in The Name, Baby

2006-02-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've been asked where exactly the name "Happy Chicken Swing Set" came from.

My friend Don and I took a vacation to Buenos Aires last fall. It's getting toward lunch time so Don and I decide to sample some South American pizza. We find a pizzeria and stumble around trying to decipher the menu. After a bit of stumbling, mostly by trying to figure out what faina is and what exactly its role is in pizza eating (faina is a baked chickpea flour wedge that is intended to be placed over the slice of pizza and eaten together (we skipped the faina)), we looked around in preparation for our favorite game: make fun of everyone you see. There were the other usual and obvious tourists about and then we spied this table of three young Argentinean guys, rather unremarkable except that this one guy was wearing a plain brown t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase "My Turtle Escaped." It used those slightly fuzzy 1970s iron-on letters and looked homemade.

Don and I talked about his t-shirt and tried to figure out exactly what, if anything, it meant. We decided that "My Turtle Escaped" meant nothing, either in English or as translated Spanish. We chalked it up to the Japanese trend of placing random English phrases on t-shirt where the major concern was a modern trendy look, rather than correct grammar or actual meaning. A great site to explore this phenomenon is Engrish.com. There you will find such exciting clothing choices as "Hurry Up the Cakes," "Hello! Lovely Silly," and "War is Homo." Don and I began throwing random words and phrases around and bingo, Don hit upon Happy Chicken Swing Set. It was love at first sight.

On a related note, here is a story including the phrase "my turtle escaped." Google is an amazing and frightening tool. On a further note and possibly related one, Google also brought up a fotolog that is run by someone who goes by "myturtleescaped" and when you click on that name to get more info, it brings you to a blog hosted by a guy from Buenos Aires. I haven't been able to Nancy Drew it all together but there must be a connection.

That's the story of Happy Chicken Swing Set, thank you for listening.

I Think I Was Being Punished

2006-02-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

I arrived at the airport this morning for a quick trip to Green Bay to attend and participate in a motions hearing. Quick flight out, kick some ass, grab a quick return home. The flight is only about 50 minutes of airtime each way so time in the air would be minimal. So I'm sitting in my tiny seat smushed in next to the window. The plane had two seats on each side and about 14 rows so basically everyone was separated by about ten inches of seat space.

As we are waiting to taxi, these two women behind me start talking. Not with quiet talk amongst ourselves voices but with I want everyone to hear our conversation voices - the problem exacerbated by the fact that the two women were on different sides of the aisle. The entire conversation consisted of middle management speak and employed such terms as "organic," "functionality," "rolling out," and "training packages." For fifty minutes I had to listen to this and couldn't for the life of me figure out what exactly they did. I was so distracted by their conversation that I had to secretly cheat on my Sudoku puzzle long before I usually do.

As I "deplaned," I got a look at the offenders. Let's call them Mary Kay and Miss Texas. They were peroxided and lip glossed to within an inch of their lives and were wearing their best St. John knitwear suits to boot.

After a long day, I make my way back to the airport. Who should show up for the return flight this evening? Yup, Mary Kay and Miss Texas. I boarded before them and waited to see where they would land. As luck or bad luck would have it, they ended up behind me again. Miss Texas needed her notepad, just in case she and Mary Kay came up with brilliant ideas while on the plane. Again they discussed today's presentation and again, it remained unclear as to what exactly they were presenting. This evening's buzz words were "training opportunities." Soon Mary Kay and Miss Texas grew bored with constantly talking about "business" and the apparent rigors of being career business women and began to generally talk and talk and talk. Did you know Mary Kay has a 3 year old daughter who is really advanced? Apparently she separated her stickers into these different piles although it was unclear if there was a discernable pattern to the piles. Miss Texas wants to take time off this summer to spend more time boating with her husband Derek and her daughter.

I guess my question, beyond what exactly these women do for a living, is why do people lack the ability to converse in a quiet voice so as not to disturb others? Was it for my benefit? Did they find themselves so fascinating that they felt compelled to share their lives' work with the entire plane? I'm just afraid when I fly back out to Green Bay in two weeks that I'll run into them again. If that happens, I'll know that I'm being punished.

Who Needs a Gold Medal? Feh!

2006-02-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

I was extremely saddened to hear that Michelle Kwan withdrew from the Olympics. She brought an air of grace and incredible elegance to both figure skating and sportsmanship. Sadly, the lack of Gold will always be a shadow on her brilliant and dominant career.

I remember watching Michelle at the National Figure Skating Championship in 1994, amidst the Nancy/Tonya ordeal. She was as gangly and awkward as any 14 year old growing into her body could be - but there was undeniable talent. Throughout her career, Michelle accumulated 43 Championships, including a record tying 5 World Championships and 9 U.S. National Championships. She was always poised and undeniably elegant.

The Gold eluded her first with Tara Lipinski (1998) and then with Sarah Hughes (2002). Michelle, the front runner both times, ended up second and third respectively. She received a bye this year due to injury, an interesting bookend to the fact that she was kept off the Olympic team in 1994 due to Nancy Kerrigan's inability to skate at Nationals.

Given Tonya's problems, Oksana's problems, and Surya's attitude problems, it was always refreshing to watch a performer who truly loved what she did and did it without scandal or being a diva. Last night, Michelle did the classiest thing ever ... she cut short her Olympic dream because she wasn't ready. She sacrificed her spot to ensure the best U.S. team possible, knowing full well that history will remember her as the "greatest skater ever, but ..." But history will also remember that after winning Gold in 1994, Oksana went to hell. After winning Gold in 1998, Tara all but dropped off the map. After winning the Gold in 2002, Sarah retired and went to college (ok, a noble thing but still ...).

Even without a Gold Medal, Michelle will always embody grace, elegance, and humility long after the Taras, Sarahs, Nancys, and Tonyas are forgotten. I wish I had 1/8th of her class.

I Swear to God, She'd Eat Her Own Young

2006-02-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone has had a boss that defies description in acts of horribleness. My new firm recently became involved in a dispute in which my former firm was involved - you might say I switched sides. In trying to avoid any potential conflict of interest, I've been forced to revisit my days under Evil Boss's regime. Evil Boss had many nicknames: Scream Queen, Miss Hannigan, Head Dementor, and What A Complete Absolute Fucking Bitch. Here are a few fond memories:

1. Evil Boss had an adopted son, who is now an adult, with whom she had a rocky relationship (a prevalent theme in all of her relationships). Her son suffered from pretty severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and was developmentally disabled. Anyway, one day, I saw some flowers on EB's desk. Being polite, I inquired about where she got them. She said that they were from FAS because they got into an argument and he stopped by to apoligize. She then gets this slack-jawed affected expression on her face and began imitating her disabled son's speech while repeating his apology. When she was done, she just laughed about the whole thing. For once, I was speechless.

2. It's was my birthday and I had dinner plans with my then boyfriend. It was my first birthday in a new city and we had planned a special night out. I tried to explain this to EB but she didn't seem to understand. You see, someone had to drive four hours that evening to attend a Board Meeting of one of our clients, then drive four hours home. EB couldn't do it as she forgot that she had plans to be a participant in a holiday themed parade that night and that she and her husband were appearing as "Sparkly Elves." I had to cancel dinner and drive a total of 8 hours, just so she and her not gay husband could be fucking Smurfs in a stupid parade.

3. In appreciation for all our hard work and helping her have a receivable of over $1 million dollars that year, EB hosted a holiday party for our practice group ... at which we all had to bring the food. She provided three bottles of wine (which were actually left over from a different event that the firm paid for). We also thought it would be nice to buy gifts for a needy family and assigned each family member to a couple of people ... her contribution ... a thermal throw that she bought at Target for $6. Not only evil but extremely cheap.

4. Evil Boss made an associate appear at her daughter's arraignment on drug charges because she was "too busy." This is the same associate that she made help clean out her garage for a lawn sale.

5. While there are too many horror stories to recount, she was evil, cheap, and racist. At this point, it's just gilding the lily. She referred to a client in a meeting as a "Pollack," her adoped Korean daughter as "Gooky," and although she was of one-quarter Mexican descent, she wasn't really Mexican because "she could read."

I hope the next time I see her she's lying down, arms folded across her chest, and there are a lot of lillies and floral sprays about.

So Much Hate, So Many People ...

2006-02-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to hate 950,074 people in the span of only two hours? Yes, yes it is. Join me as we take a trip to ... the airport.

It starts at the security checkpoint: I can't read, what does take you laptop out mean? (1 person). Keep my boarding pass out? (2 people). Have identification ready? (1 person). Remove outerwear? (no one this trip but you know they are out there). Once you get past the people who don't understand the complicated directives listed three times and conveyed in pictographs, you get the people who lack any common sense or understanding whatsoever. Will this belt buckle the size of a child's head set off the metal detector? (1 person). Whoops, I still have my cell phone on my belt (1 person). Should I start getting ready while waiting in line or wait until the very last minute to check my pockets? (3 people).

After the minefield of security you get to maneuver the concourse: Hey, right here at the end of the moving walkway looks like a great place for the six of us to stop and chat a bit. (6 people). Hey, sorry I'm dragging a giant piece of luggage (which I should have checked, more on that later) behind me and am unaware that I should account for that when I walk right in front of you. (3 people).

You finally get to the gate then encounter even more idiocy: If you are not in first class, an exit row, or have small children, and your ticket reads Row 7, please, immediately run to the boarding door and stand there like a retarded puppy anticipating a treat. (15 people). Oh, and a small child isn't a hyperactive 7 year old. (1 person, well 2 if you count the child). If you don't feel like standing there, please try to board before you should. (2 people).

Ahhh, finally on board: I'm never going to get into my rollerbag and have other checked luggage anyway, but I thought it looks cool to wheel one of these things around. (27 people). I'm too old/weak/gimpy/lazy to put my own carry-on in the overhead, can you help me? (3 people). Oh, when you announced three times that all cell phones had to be turned off, you meant me? (2 people). I'll just talk for two more minutes. (1 person). I love music so much, I want you to hear it too even though I'm wearing headphones. (1 person). Even though my tray table is attached to your seat, you wouldn't mind if I bang, pull, and nervously tap on it? (1 person). Now that we are getting ready to land and should remain in our seats, I should probably bolt to the bathroom right now. (1 person (granted she probably was one of the rollerbag people)).

Landing: My bag (which I should have checked) is 7 rows back. You don't mind if: 1) I ask you to firebucket brigade it to me (1 person); or 2) push my way back to get it and the push my way forward with bag in tow (1 person).

Then you find yourself in Detroit. (950,000 people).

Modern Technology

2006-02-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that I am not that technologically savvy. I've been on the road for the past five days and didn't have internet access. At least no discernable internet access I could find. I almost died. No email, no checking my bank balance, nothing. What sort of 4 diamond Triple A facility doesn't have broadband?

I have a few things in the hopper: hating every one of my fellow airline travelers; the whole Bush/Coretta Scott King thing (hypocrite). In fact, I wrote a whole diatribe about my fellow airline passengers but by exercising my ineptitude, I lost it when I tried to post it.

There will be a rash of posting, once I regain my senses and figure this whole blog thing out.

Reese, Please

2006-02-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a long time Reese Witherspoon fan. She’s always come across as gracious, elegant, tasteful, and a refreshing juxtaposition to the Tara Reids of Hollywood. That’s why writing this causes me so much pain. Sometimes, however, someone says something so ridiculously disingenuous that they need to be called out on it. To wit, after receiving her well-deserved Academy Award nomination, Ms. Witherspoon claims, “I was completely surprised.”

Really? Completely surprised? I guess the nomination would have come as a complete shock as you’ve only won the Screen Actors Guild Award, a Golden Globe, the New York Film Critics Circle Award, the National Society of Film Critics Award, and the Broadcast Film Critics Association Award for this role. Given this, how out of character would it be for the Academy to ignore the most consistent award winner since Hilary Swank? Unprecedented.

Granted, Reese did not win the Chicago Film Critics Award (although nominated) - that having gone to Joan Allen for The Upside of Anger. Not to take away from Joan’s award as I think she is supremely talented but Joan was born in Illinois, attended Northern Illinois University, and has her acting roots in Chicago as an ensemble member of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company ... you see where this is going.

As a first time nominee, I understand Reese didn’t want to appear glib and comment that she knew a nomination was a fait accompli. By the same token, however, she shouldn’t try to tell America that despite winning almost every major and minor acting award this year, she was genuinely surprised by a nomination. There’s a fine line to walk between honest humility and bravado masquerading as false humility.