I Swear to God, She'd Eat Her Own Young

I'm sure everyone has had a boss that defies description in acts of horribleness. My new firm recently became involved in a dispute in which my former firm was involved - you might say I switched sides. In trying to avoid any potential conflict of interest, I've been forced to revisit my days under Evil Boss's regime. Evil Boss had many nicknames: Scream Queen, Miss Hannigan, Head Dementor, and What A Complete Absolute Fucking Bitch. Here are a few fond memories:

1. Evil Boss had an adopted son, who is now an adult, with whom she had a rocky relationship (a prevalent theme in all of her relationships). Her son suffered from pretty severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and was developmentally disabled. Anyway, one day, I saw some flowers on EB's desk. Being polite, I inquired about where she got them. She said that they were from FAS because they got into an argument and he stopped by to apoligize. She then gets this slack-jawed affected expression on her face and began imitating her disabled son's speech while repeating his apology. When she was done, she just laughed about the whole thing. For once, I was speechless.

2. It's was my birthday and I had dinner plans with my then boyfriend. It was my first birthday in a new city and we had planned a special night out. I tried to explain this to EB but she didn't seem to understand. You see, someone had to drive four hours that evening to attend a Board Meeting of one of our clients, then drive four hours home. EB couldn't do it as she forgot that she had plans to be a participant in a holiday themed parade that night and that she and her husband were appearing as "Sparkly Elves." I had to cancel dinner and drive a total of 8 hours, just so she and her not gay husband could be fucking Smurfs in a stupid parade.

3. In appreciation for all our hard work and helping her have a receivable of over $1 million dollars that year, EB hosted a holiday party for our practice group ... at which we all had to bring the food. She provided three bottles of wine (which were actually left over from a different event that the firm paid for). We also thought it would be nice to buy gifts for a needy family and assigned each family member to a couple of people ... her contribution ... a thermal throw that she bought at Target for $6. Not only evil but extremely cheap.

4. Evil Boss made an associate appear at her daughter's arraignment on drug charges because she was "too busy." This is the same associate that she made help clean out her garage for a lawn sale.

5. While there are too many horror stories to recount, she was evil, cheap, and racist. At this point, it's just gilding the lily. She referred to a client in a meeting as a "Pollack," her adoped Korean daughter as "Gooky," and although she was of one-quarter Mexican descent, she wasn't really Mexican because "she could read."

I hope the next time I see her she's lying down, arms folded across her chest, and there are a lot of lillies and floral sprays about.