I'm a Garda Belt Man

That's my friend Scot on the left and Tom on the right. More on Tom later.

Don decided that we needed a boys' night out, so our group set about trying to find something exciting to do. Don hit upon the idea of attending a double header of the MN Rollergirls, Minnesota's women's roller derby league.

My only memories of roller derby were from the late 80s, watching a short-lived tv show called Rollergames. I can't remember much about it other than there were several co-ed teams and it combined roller derby with elements of professional wrestling.

We all met at my house: Josh, Don, Brad, Sean, Steve, Vincent, and me. We caravaned to St. Cloud, MN. Never having been to St. Cloud, my sense is that a "nice" dinner there probably constitutes either Red Lobster or the Olive Garden. We find "Skatin' Place," the venue for tonight's event. I believe that this is play on Grace Metalious's "Peyton Place." This being St. Cloud, I can't be certain. Can't you just imagine a juicy soap opera based on the lives and times of rollerskaters and rink concession workers. Speaking of concessions, the snack bar had heatlamped hotdogs, heatlamped pizza, chicken nuggets with chedder cheese sauce, and something called a Slush-a-roo, which I believe was a drink. The walls of the rink had an illustrated story about a rollerskating kangaroo named Roo. I fail to see the relevance of kangaroos to rollerskating, let alone icey beverages.

The first match featured The Atomic Bombshells v. The Rockits. The Rockits skated away with it in a very lop-sided match. TAB's Buffy the Vampire Skater spent more time sprawled out on her back than actual time racking up jammer points. TR featured the powerhouse Jawbreaker who probably scored about 50 points or so. I can totally see why Jawbreaker was voted most valuable rollergirl and crowd favorite. Fabulous names involved in this match included: Kitty Whompass, Pain Gretzky, Sayonara Pussy, and Cleosplatra.

The second match features The Dagger Dolls v. The Garda Belts. This was a close match although the minute the Garda Belts began to skate, I knew I had found the team for me. Most of the time, their Pivot was Cupcake, a sweet name for such a nasty woman. She trash talked, threw a mean block, and by the second half had been expelled from the game. She joined Flogging Molly on the sidelines, as FM had been kicked out in the first half. I sort of know Dee Dee Monic, in a six degrees sort of way and she was a great pivot and blocker. She did recognize me at the snack bar though so everything's cool in skateland. SINderella and Pattywack brought the game home as point scoring jammers extraordinaire. As an aside, shouldn't Pattywack have an "h" in there? I don't want to argue since I've seen her throw elbows ... and, well, I bruise easily. Fabulous names involved in this match include: Honeydew Felon, Marilyn Monrogue, Roxanne Rolls, and Ji Spot.

Unlike the other teams, the Garda Belts have a mascot of sorts. It's a tiny little man named Tom, if you can believe the chant, "Tom, Tom, the Leprechaun" as he ran around the rink waving his shillelah. It is believed that Tom has three daughters on the Garda Belts: Flogging Molly, Head Trauma, and Rolls Wilder. Roller Derby is a family affair.

I can't wait until March 24 when I get to see them all again in St. Paul. I'm going to get an emerald green jersey and on the back will be my self-designated skating name: Betty Rumble.

Folks, if you have roller derby near you, please check it out. It's a whole lot of fun.