Nothing to Fear but Ventriloquist Dummies

Automatonophobia: the fear of ventriloquist dummies, animatronic creatures, and wax statues. First, animatronic creatures and wax statues invoke nary a rumbling of dread within me. In fact, a few years ago I happily went through Las Vegas's version of Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum at the Venetian and found it a pleasant experience. I'd say the closest I've ever come to being scared of wax statues was watching the remake of "House of Wax" but I think that fear rested squarely on the trashy shoulders of Paris Hilton. After seeing her act, everything seems just a little more frightening.

I'm not afraid of clowns (unless it's John Wayne Gacy), puppets (I love the Muppets, Lambchop, Franklin, and Avenue Q) or dolls (unless it's a maniacal Raggedy Anne). The thing that strikes terror in my heart is Ventriloquist Dummies. I guess I'm only a quasi-Automatonophobe. God, can't I ever commit to anything 100%?

V.D.'s always seem so independent and they have such alarming verbal freedom. They just appear so damned independent. They are often portrayed as violent, racist, vengeful, and angry creatures, which they are. It's hard to describe exactly how creepy it is when the V.D. swivels its head around to look at you or its little hinged jaw flaps up and down.

I can sit through Chainsaws, Saws, Amityvilles, and Elm Streets easily. Put "Magic" or "Knock on Wood" on the television and I'm hiding behind a pillow hoping I don't pee my pants. Even such innocuous fare as "Cradle Will Rock" becomes a terrifying experience by the introduction of a V.D. "Sound of Music" is lovely except for the puppet show (I know they are puppets but they look like V.D.s on strings (and it's such a lovely song)). High on the hill screamed a lonely goatherd ...

One of the most terrifying moments in television history occurred on "Seinfeld." In the Kenny Rogers' Roasters episode, Jerry and Kramer have to switch apartments and Jerry is terrified of Kramer's V.D., named Mr. Marbles. At the end of the episode, Jerry hears a noise and sees a tiny shadow running through the halls. I dare Wes Craven to come up with anything scarier than that.

Even though I own all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and watch it with fanatical devotion, I have never watched the episode in season one which involves the V.D. Sorry SMG, I just can't do it. You're not even safe from commercials. Remember the Miller Lite commercial where the hitchhiker gets picked up by the trucker and the V.D. just screams "Eeeeeeeeeeee." That was the best 35 second horror movie I have ever seen. It gave me nightmares. It also made me stop hitchhiking. Or the Sprite commercial with the V.D. doing a show before an ENTIRE AUDIENCE of V.D.s. It gave me nightmares and I switched to Sierra Mist.

Just last night, I was watching something on television when some commercial came on and the BF Thimm Symmz said "Don't look." Apparently, there is a new V.D. commercial out there. Then, there was a promo for some show involving a carnival and a prophetic lady V.D. You rarely see lady V.D.s so it was even more terrifying than usual.

I hope writing this doesn't give me nightmares. I once had a nightmare where I fell into a room that was filled with V.D.s and as I struggled, their little wooden arms and legs flailed about until I slowly sunk to the bottom. I actually threw up after that dream.

Why can't I be afraid of flying like normal people?